DynastySamurai Humors
by Narry95
Summary: Jiang Wei's in love? Nagamasa queefed on Oichi? What's next? Each chapter contains one character from the dynasty/samurai warriors. If you have a specific request, don't be afraid to ask and i'll do my best to make the chapters funny.
1. Chapter 1 Jiang Wei

Online love

One day, Jiang Wei was on a website where you meet people online to find love with them. He was scrolling through his friends list when a girl picture caught his eyes. She was simply the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had pretty light brown eyes followed by shiny long straight hair. Her skin looked so creamy and soft. Her smile attracted him so much he knew he just had to get to know her. He didn't understand why such a beauty like her would be single and looking for love online. But nevertheless, he clicked on her page and read her descriptions about her. Her name was Yuka Wang. Jiang Wei saw that she was as old as he, which was 15 and lived two cities north of him. His heart pounded with joy as he saw that she was online right now.

"Yes! She's on!" Jiang Wei shouted aloud, happily as he jumped up and down twice. He sat back down on his chair. His parents weren't home at the moment so he was home alone. Smiling, he made the mouse click on "message me" and the message box appeared on his screen. He quickly thought about what to write to her as a start off to know her. Pretty soon, he had an idea.

**Their conversation:**

**Jiang Wei**: Hey there beautiful chick. Can I get to know you?

**Yuka**: lol. Sure. What would you like to know about me?

**Jiang Wei**: haha, everything about you.

**Yuka**: haha ur funny XD

**Jiang Wei**: really? Lol no one's ever told me that before.

**Yuka**: well then I'm the first

**Jiang Wei**: yeah lol. Thanks. So what's your favorite hobby?

**Yuka**: my favorite hobby.. well, it's not exactly what everyone likes to do but my hobby is cleaning, cooking, and studying. And u?

**Jiang Wei**: wow u must be a good girl lol. My hobby is playing sports.

**Yuka**: u must be athletic then right?

**Jiang Wei**: yeah I am haha

**Yuka**: I can tell from ur muscular looking arms lol if I ever meet you can I touch it?

**Jiang Wei**: lol sure, why not? I would love to see you too.

**Yuka**: cool! Hey I gtg now. It was really nice talking to u. hope to get closer haha.

**Jiang Wei**: haha well I was thinking the same too. And bye

**Yuka**: :)

After Yuka logged off, Jiang Wei could not help but form a smile on his face. He felt butterflies in his tummy. He felt really happy today. He wanted a chance with her. He thinks she might feel the same too. It was at midnight now and he went to sleep, dreaming about him and her "doing it" and such a beautiful bed that had flower petals on it with candles lit from the darkness of the room…

A couple weeks later…

Jiang Wei was in a conversation with her on a Friday night. He felt like he had strong feelings for her, even though he's never seen her before.

**Conversation:**

**Yuka**: haha I feel like I've know you for a long time now lol

**Jiang Wei**: haha really? Me too lol

**Yuka**: I wanna ask you something but I'm scared you might say no.

**Jiang Wei**: wat is it?

**Yuka**: I wanna come see you. If it's okay with you…

**Jiang Wei**: sure! Why not? I wanna get to see you too. I bet ur more beautiful in real life lol

**Yuka**: okay! :D where do you wanna meet up?

**Jiang Wei**: hm… how about my school?

**Yuka**: okay sounds great. I gtg too so ill see u 2malo ok? At 7:30 a.m.

**Jiang Wei**: okay bye! I cant wait!

Jiang wei rushed outta his chair and began looking for and outfit to wear. He chose the best outfit he had. He went to go take a shower and headed off to sleep…

The next day, he went to his school in the morning. At 7:30 a.m., he did not see her. He thought that she was probably running late or something. But it was an hour later and she still didn't come. Now Jiang Wei thought that something was wrong. He thought she might have fooled him only and that hurt him. He started walking home. At the sidewalk, a grey worn out truck came into view and parked a little further ahead of him. He continued walking, ignoring the car. As he was at the car, the window scrolled down. He saw a 40ish year old dude in the car.

"Excuse me, are you Jiang Wei?" he asked. Jiang Wei didn't know how he knew his name and that kinda scared him.

"Uh, yeah. Why?" Jiang Wei replied. The man smiled kindly and opened the door for jiang Wei to go inside.

"My daughter Yuka asked me to come get you. She got a fever and wanted me to come get you to go see her." He told Jiang Wei. Jiang Wei was not sure if he should go or not. He so wanted to go see her too but at the same time, he was a stranger to him. Before he knew it, he got in the car with him and the man drove off. Since it was still morning time, there weren't very many cars yet. As they turned the corner, the man locked the door. Jiang Wei turned to the man. He began to get scared. He wondered if he made the wrong choice to go with him. "Oh, don't worry, I'm just locking the door because that's what I always do in case of an emergency." Jiang Wei nodded his head, as if he understood the man. But really, he was frightened and wanted to get away from him. He knew it must be a trap and he needed to go away. He quickly opened the lock, opened the door and jumped out from the car. "HEY! GET BACK HERE!" the man shouted as he tried to grab Jiang Wei but missed Jiang Wei's shirt. The man stopped the car sharply and Jiang Wei ran for his life. He turned back into where his school was and ran to the front of the door. He turned and saw the man get out of his car and run to him. He opened the door and it opened for him. He rushed inside and ran down the hall. Then into the principal's office he went. He quickly hid under the desk since there was on opening of the desk. He heard the man run inside and Jiang Wei held his breath. He was shaking with fear as the man walked to where he was. At first Jiang Wei thought the man saw him but he actually didn't. Instead, the man walked past him and into the other rooms. When he was gone, Jiang Wei got out and saw the telephone. He picked it up and called the police. He told them that there was a psyco man trying to kidnap him at his school but he hid from him. As he was still explaining to them, someone from behind tackled Jiang Wei as the phone flew from his hand and he fell down. Jiang Wei screamed and tried to shove the man away from him but the man was plump and hard to shove. The man was pretty strong too. Jiang Wei had never felt so scared before. Them 2 took turns rolling on top of each other. Finally, the man got a good grip on Jiang Wei now. Jiang Wei screamed as loud as he could.

"Get off me you sick old man!" Jiang Wei shouted as the old man tried to kiss him. He made kissing lips and went down to his neck as the police finally came in time to pull the man away from him. Jiang Wei stood up and ran behind the police. A police officer took him away to the outside of the school. Jiang Wei explained everything to them and they tracked down where the girl lived. They checked the man and saw that the girl and the man had the same address. They checked the house but there was no girl. They told Jiang Wei that the girl he was talking to doesn't exist and that it was only the man, a bisexual man whom they had been searching for for some time now. Jiang Wei got a ride from the police to his house. He learned a lesson now. He deleted his account and never ever went on that website again…

The end!


	2. Chapter 2 Nagamasa Azai

Farting is Natural

One beautiful afternoon, Nagamasa Azai took his girlfriend Oichi Oda out to the park. He was holding her hand and together, they walked happily to a bench. He let go of her hand and sat down. Nagamasa then slaps his thighs gently, as a sign for his love of his life to sit down on his lap. She smiled shyly and sat on him. When she did, she kinda sat on his ding dong, which made him feel excited. He hugged her waist and looked down at her butt. _Oh damn, so sexy. _He began to feel thirsty just looking at her butt and it turned him on.

"So, beautiful day, isn't it?" Oichi asked him and he nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah, it's a beautiful day. It's not too hot or too cold. It's just right," he replied to her and she smiled happily. He smiled too, knowing she was happy but then he felt his ding dong slightly curve. _Shoot, I better not pop a boner, not now. Not in front of her._ "So, what do you wanna do after this?" Oichi thought about it for a bit.

"I want to go karaoke sing, if it's fine with you," Oichi told him and he thought it was a great idea. He can feel his ding dong moving slightly. He looked at her to see if she feels if but it doesn't seem like she notices yet. _Whew, she doesn't seem to notice yet._

"Hey, Oichi?" Nagamasa began and she turned her head to him, smiling so beautiful at him. He smiled back at her. "I love you."

"Aww, I love you too, Naga," she told him. For some reason, his ding dong kept feeling jiggly and he was so scared that she would notice it but she still doesn't. He prayed to god he won't pop a boner while she is sitting on him. His ding dong rumbled around and finally, a burst of gas raced out into the air.

_Pffffft!_

Went the sound of his queef. Oichi widened her eyes and Nagamasa was so embarrassed. She got off him and his cheeks turned so pink and he didn't have the guts to look at her anymore.

"I forgot, I have to go help my mom do some stuff," Nagamasa lied. Oichi nodded her head and he quickly went off, not looking back at her._ Why did I have to queef? That was so embarrassing!_ He went home, feeling so shy and he didn't know how he was gonna look at her again.

For a whole week, he did not talk to her or look at her. Finally, he was at school walking when she stopped him.

"Hey, Naga, can I talk to you?" Oichi asked him, as they went to the back of the building. He began to feel shy of her again. "You know, it's okay to fart. Everybody does it."

"Yeah, but I did it while you were sitting down on my lap," Nagamasa said as Oichi gave him a hug and smiled cheerfully.

"It's okay, I don't care if you did. Nothing's changed and I still love you. You know I'll always," Oichi told him, as he felt so much better now. He smiled and hugged her too.


	3. Chapter 3 Xing Cai

Talk about Privacy

Xing Cai came home from jogging for an hour and decided to take a nice cozy bath. She lived with her dad Zhang Fei and her brother Zhang Bao in a nice one story house. She walked into her room and grabbed her towel and cucumber melon scent shower gel. She went inside her bathroom in her room and closed the door before locking it. She turned on the water and made it warm. Next, she poured some shower gel in the water and bubbles began to form. Xing Cai undressed herself and got in the tub. It was so nice and cozy in there. She layed down in there and covered herself with bubbles.

"So nice and cozy… I can just sleep here," she told herself aloud. She closed her eyes and rested for a moment. A while passed and it felt so great but then she accidentally farted in the bath.

_Bur!_

The fart was as innocent as her. She quickly opened her eyes and was glad no one was around.

"Oops," she told herself and then someone spoke, which scared the crap out of her.

"Ew, Xing Cai," her brother Zhang Bao said. She quickly turned to him and he was in her bathroom playing the gameboy advance while taking a dump. He was playing Pokémon. She then noticed the smell of his poop and covered her nose.

"Ew Zhang Bao, why did you come into my bathroom when you had your own in your room? Sheesh, don't you know I'm not wearing any clothes?" Xing Cai scolded, making more bubbles to cover herself up.

"I ran out of toilet paper," he told her. She thought he makes the lamest excuses ever. "And anyways, you're covered with bubbles."

"Yeah, but I need my privacy, Zhang Bao," she told him as he farted really loud.

_**BLEH!**_

"Oh shit, I think I filled the toilet," he told her and she was sickened.

"Zhang Bao, just go use the other bathrooms. I'm trying to relax with a bath here!" she told him, as he wiped his butt and she quickly turned the other way, disgusted. "Oh for gods sake." He was laughing at her while flushing the toilet.

"Chill out, I'm almost done here, just let me flush the toilet," he told her. She did not look at him flush the toilet but he has been flushing for such a long time. He already flushed for a minute straight.

"What are you still doing?" Xing Cai said, thinking he was trying to get on her bad side now.

"I told you, I filled the toilet up," he replied to her. She rolled her eyes and in two minutes, he finally finished. "Okay, I'm done now. See you later, sis."

Xing Cai shook her head when he left. She wanted to relax but she didn't get to because her brother had to come take a dump in her bathroom even though she was in there. She will never understand how he can do that.


	4. Chapter 4 Sima Brothers

Failed Rapunzel

One afterschool, the 2 Sima brothers, Sima Shi and Sima Zhao, were walking home with Sima Zhao's girlfriend Wang Yuanji because Sima Zhao claimed he had a really great idea and it involves the three of them. Once they got home, they were sitting on the couch, listening to Sima Zhao explain his ideas.

"I wanna act out the scene from Rapunzel where the guy tells her to let her hair down and then when she does, he climbs on it. I wanna be the guy and Yuanji is Rapunzel," Sima Zhao told them. Sima Shi swears Sima Zhao thinks of the most stupid ideas ever and always gets him involved.

"That's so stupid, Zhao. If it only has the both of you, when what the hell am I here for?" Sima Shi asks his younger brother. "And besides, Wang Yuanji doesn't even have long hair, you idiot." Sima Zhao began laughing so much.

"I know, that's why we're gonna use this," Sima Zhao said, getting a long rope. Wang Yuanji and Sima Shi looked at each other.

"Really, Zhao? You're gonna make you girlfriend tie her hair with a rope and you're gonna climb on it?" His brother just smiled and nodded his head.

"It'll be fun, what do you say?" Sima Zhao asked them both.

"I say you're nuts for thinking that you're gonna climb on the rope in which Wang Yuanji's hair will be tied against it," Sima Shi said to his brother and then turned to Wang Yuanji, "I wouldn't blame you if you left him, Wang Yuanji."

"I don't know if we should do this, Zhao," Wang Yuanji said.

"Aww, come one. It'll be fun! Shi, you can record us act it out. Please?" Sima Zhao said, making his cute puppy eyes at Wang Yuanji.

"Okay, fine," Wang Yuanji said, as Sima Zhao got so happy that he kissed her on the cheek in front of Sima Shi.

"Shi? Are you in? Of course you are. Come on, let's get started!" Sima Zhao started.

They tied the rope on to Wang Yuanji's hair and had her go inside one of the rooms until it was her turn to come out and play her part. She was on the second story of their house and from living room downstairs, you can see the upstairs hallway. Sima Shi got the camera ready and was upstairs taping from a corner where you can see everything.

"Okay ready, action!" Sima Shi said, as he began recording.

Sima Zhao came into the living room, his hand pulling on his shirt and making one side of his tits show.

"Rapunzel! Rapunzel, where are you?" Sima Zhao shouted, pretending to look all around. Sima Shi wanted to laugh so hard but he held it inside.

From upstairs, the door opened and out came Wang Yuanji, looking so freaken bored. Her eyes were almost closed all the way. She walked to the hallway where Sima Zhao would be able to see her.

Sima Zhao pretended to look from left to right, and then looked up and smiled.

"Rapunzel, there you are! But how will I ever reach you? Oh, I know! Rapunzel, let down your hair!" Sima Zhao shouted to her, as she picked up the rope and threw it down. It reached the floor and he began to climb on it. His weight was pulling on Wang Yuanji's hair.

"Ow, ow!" cried Wang Yuanji as she fell from the second story part, but then Sima Zhao quickly caught her and she fell on top of him and they fell down together.

"Ah, my arm!" Sima Zhao shouted, as Sima Shi ran downstairs to check on his brother. Wang Yuanji got off him.

"What happened, Zhao?" Sima Shi asked, worried.

"Shi, I think I broke my arm!" Sima Zhao shouted, as Sima Shi called their dad Sima Yi…

The next day at school, Sima Shi and Sima Zhao came to their friends Motonari, Ranmaru, Zhong Hui, Cai Wenji, Wang Yi, and Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao had a cask on his arm.

"Dude, Sima Zhao, what happened?" Motonari asked, as the Sima brothers told them what happened.

All their friends laughed so much at him having a failed Rapunzel.

"Hey Sima Zhao, you should sing that one song from little bill where he's like 'I broke my arm, I broke my arm,'" said Motonari and they all laughed. Sima Zhao learned his lesson to not ever attempt to do a homemade Rapunzel movie again.


	5. Chapter 5 Kiyomasa, Mitsunari, Masanori

Kiyomasa Kato was such a nasty player that he would fuck anything with a vagina. He's fucked a cow, horse, and even a dog.

When he was at school, one of his friends was hanging out with him.

"Hey man, you said you'd fuck anything with a vagina, right?" his friend asked him. Kiyomasa smiled.

"Hell yeah I would," replied Kiyomasa, each of his arms wrapped around a girl.

"Alright then. I dare you to go fuck a pig. In return I'll give you a thousand bucks. You up for it?" his friend asked and Kiyomasa laughed.

"Pigs are hella stinky and nasty but alright. I'll do it." Kiyomasa replied. At night time, they went to a farm house and snuck inside a pig pen. He randomly grabbed a female pig and fucked it, achieving the dare.

A few weeks later, the pig got pregnant and gave birth to 4 little piglets. 3 of them were very cute and the last one had a pig body and had Kiyomasa's head.

An hour after the piglet with Kiyomasa's head was born, it died and the pig pen house became haunted. Pigs died one by one in the pig pen and the owners believed it to be the piglet with the human head that did it. This haunt from the pig with the human head continued on for a month until finally the owners abandoned the house. They were scared because the pig was haunting their house and their animals.

Shortly afterwards, everyone heard that the man who made the pig pregnant by the name of Kiyomasa Kato died mysteriously. His body disappeared shortly after his mom found him dead on his bed. No one knows where his body is but they believed that it was located at the house. Everyone was too afraid to go check because they didn't want the pig to haunt them.

A few months later, 2 students named Mitsunari Ishida and Masanori Fukushima decided to go see for themselves if it really was haunted. When they approached, the first thing they did was go to the pig pen house. They opened the door and it was all dark and very cold in there. They turned on their flashlights and looked around with it. Masanori was videotaping it. The both of them walked inside. They were using the flashlights to look around some more.

"Ugh, it's so fucken stinky in here! Like it smells like something is rotting." Mitsunari said, as he turned to Masanori. They thought about how everyone said the man's body could be in the house somewhere. What if the smell is coming from his rotting flesh? Masanori was scared shitless and wanted to get out of there now. They slowly moved their flashlights over to the darkest corner and saw a body that was rotting so much and there were loads of maggots eating away his flesh. Masanori turned to Mitsunari.

"Dude, is that who I think it is?" Masanori asked, as the body moved all around and the both of them got so scared. Mitsunari and Masanori screamed at the top of their lungs and ran out of the pig pen house. They ran all the way home.

They watched the tape that Masanori videotaped. While it was playing, Mitsunari thought he heard a tiny voice from the video.

"I have the body of a pig hahaha," it said. Chills ran up Mitsunari's spine.

"Wait, Masanori, rewind it a bit. I thought I heard a voice." Mitsunari said. Masanori did as he was told and played it again.

"I have the body of a pig hahaha," it said and this time, Masanori heard it as well. They both looked like they were scared, yet they wanted to laugh.

"I heard something saying that they have the body of a pig," Masanori told Mitsunari. They weren't sure if they should be laughing or be scared because it was funny, yet scary. Masanori played it one more time.

"I have the body of a pig hahaha," it said, as a head popped out of the screen and they both screamed. It grabbed the both of them and pulled them inside the screen.

"Ahhhhhhh!" screamed Kiyomasa, Mitsunari, and Masanori. They all slept over at Mitsunari's house and had the same exact dream. When they calmed down, they laughed so much at the dream where the pig with Kiyomasa's head said that he had the body of a pig and then laughed 3 times.


End file.
